Thursday, October 19, 2006

Checking in

You have all been so kind with your comments, thank you. Here's a brief update before I head out to the final stretch of this three weeks of hell: This is the last day I have to finish clearing out the mother-in-law's house. I'm heading over there with one of my guys from the shop and we'll move furniture and donate and anything else that's needed.

Then I'm going to vacuum and if she wants to clean beyond that she can. I will not haul over to her place the teensy light little boxes she could easily have put in the trunk of her giant cruiser. She is not helpless, helpless just works very well for her. I think part of my anger about this whole deal is that I long to help my parents, who live 100 miles away. They never ask for anything, I love them dearly, they need help with Daddy's dementia and my stepmother's 48 hour a day caretaking role, and I can't do anything for them that would seriously improve their lives. This one, not my mother, not even my kin in the tight definition of my family, is living it up in a retirement community, hanging out, enjoying her life and sucking the life out of me. God, that just sounds ugly and I am sorry to have written it but the comparison between her life and how I can help and their lives and how I can't just kills me.

I am fed up, exhausted, resentful. These are not helpful feelings for me when it comes to eating and working on weight and getting to the gym. I confessed my wish to run away to my husband, even describing my aerie in the old Victorian replete with iron bed and rocker. I am not sure he realized the fantasy does not include him.

I am a resilient person with a strong sense of self. I know I'll bounce back from this and it won't even take that long, but I am ready now and I have one more day. So I know I can do this and I will. But I am getting pretty tired of taking care of other people and I am just a bit afraid that when the quittin' time comes on that behavior, it's going to be final. When my switch turns off on concern for others, I don't know who I'll be, but I believe it will be irrevocable and I believe that change is coming up fast.

Oprah says fat people spend their whole lives putting others first. This fat girl is on the homestretch heading toward done with that soul killing, life stealing way of life.

I hope you all have a lovely day today. I can't wait to have some time this weekend to catch up with all of you.

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4 Comments:

Blogger Vickie said...

Glad you are doing better.

Mother in Laws are just a trip in themselves aren't they???

October 19, 2006 6:28 AM  
Blogger babygurlnluv1 said...

I know what you mean! I had a mother in law who was just -- well--I cant even put it nicely...She's just a Dumb old lady, who lets her husband and the whole world screw her over. Then she has the audasity to dislike me because I had a child with her son and then we got married as soon as we hit 18 yrs old...after about 3 yrs we separated and then got divorced after another 2 years had gone by... LoL! I guess she hates me because we are divorced now...

October 19, 2006 5:21 PM  
Anonymous redheadgirl said...

I think Oprah has a point. Having been fat AND thin, I think she's right. BUT, and this a big but, I have learned that it doesn't have to be one or the other like I used to think. I believe it's all about balance. I hope things even up for you soon. It sounds difficult.

October 19, 2006 7:05 PM  
Blogger ~Jen~ said...

Ahh, Oprah. She is so wise sometimes. I hope things improve friend.

October 20, 2006 11:07 PM  

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