Eating hell for leather
Been doing that, these last couple of weeks: eating like a grown man, like a late July hay hauler, pretty much anything I've wanted, whenever I've wanted and often when I didn't want, just to get through.
It was the drug that got me past this ordeal of taking care of my mother-in-law. Facing 12 hours of tediousness at her empty, cold, dark house, and desperately missing my quiet time, my leisurely mornings, my four-day work week, my sweet little cottage, I'd fortify myself with large quantities of the obsession du jour, thinking if I could just stand it, get it done, survive it, get through, I'd quit.
This is old history for me. I've used food as the fortifier for most every unpleasant or painful task in my life. It works. Temporarily, of course, but I'd not have used it to such destructive lengths if it didn't work.
So I'm beginning again to work on my healthy eating habits and on my fitness. Haven't been to the gym in weeks. Haven't been myself in weeks. I miss the me that I was a month ago. I am closer today to who I was 18 months ago. I don't want her back, not ever.
It's pretty scary, because I know that I am powerless over this addiction. Just saying "I'm beginning again" doesn't mean I will. I want to, I'll take the steps I can to do so, I'll ask for help, commit to a food plan, but still . . .
I can't undo this lost time and the only thing I've really learned is that I am never safe from this thing. Food will always be an issue for me. I may be in remission from the disease, one day at a time, but it is never gone, no matter how much weight I lose or how much time I string together. It's always waiting, always ready, still deadly, still strong.
It was the drug that got me past this ordeal of taking care of my mother-in-law. Facing 12 hours of tediousness at her empty, cold, dark house, and desperately missing my quiet time, my leisurely mornings, my four-day work week, my sweet little cottage, I'd fortify myself with large quantities of the obsession du jour, thinking if I could just stand it, get it done, survive it, get through, I'd quit.
This is old history for me. I've used food as the fortifier for most every unpleasant or painful task in my life. It works. Temporarily, of course, but I'd not have used it to such destructive lengths if it didn't work.
So I'm beginning again to work on my healthy eating habits and on my fitness. Haven't been to the gym in weeks. Haven't been myself in weeks. I miss the me that I was a month ago. I am closer today to who I was 18 months ago. I don't want her back, not ever.
It's pretty scary, because I know that I am powerless over this addiction. Just saying "I'm beginning again" doesn't mean I will. I want to, I'll take the steps I can to do so, I'll ask for help, commit to a food plan, but still . . .
I can't undo this lost time and the only thing I've really learned is that I am never safe from this thing. Food will always be an issue for me. I may be in remission from the disease, one day at a time, but it is never gone, no matter how much weight I lose or how much time I string together. It's always waiting, always ready, still deadly, still strong.
Labels: addiction, eating disorders, weight loss
posted by BigAssBelle at 10:17 AM
6 Comments:
I know what you've been going through. I've had food issues all my life. Lately I've had good luck (and even lost 20 pounds) with 5-HTP and L-Theanine. Those two supplements from the health food store have taken away all my interest in
food. They help with stress and anxiety. You can email me if you want more information.
Kathryn
It will turn around for you soon. You are right. Food is an addiction. For me, for sure. Your blog gives me great support because I see that there are people out there struggle with the same people issues that I have that cause the addiction to flourish. You give me hope that I can get a hold of myself. Thanks for sharing.
babs,
welcome back...you know i know that you know that i know where you are and where you've been. if i can help at all just let me know...i know that your post and its honesty is a great start.
Miss Belle-
I've adored your comments over at PRGay, and checked your blog a few times. You ARE precious dear, and as a fellow G.R.I.T.S. (Girl Raised In The South for you nice folks elsewhere) you know what I mean ;)
I feel where you're coming from honey, and I think I may have mentioned it before- but for real check out drgourmet.com . Common sense, good food and no scary gimmicks.
For whatever reason, your story has touched me and I so very much hope nothing but the best for you dear. You seem like a tough woman, I have no doubt you'll be just fine, and even more ;) Hang in there honey, karma does have a way of sorting itself out. Sometimes it just seems to take a hell of a lot longer than seems fitting..
Why don't you make a plan for dealing with your mother in law? Like "JUST SAY NO?" Your mental and physical health should not take second place to anyone else.
Sometimes, I read your blog and I feel sad for you. I mean I love your honesty and the way you write about your innermost struggles. I don't know if I can offer much help but I'm here to listen if you need someone. I think at times in the past when I've been so stressed out and doing things for others that I put myself last, food had been my salvation. But was is my salvation or a way to a deeper, darker pit. A way to hate myself even more. Please do something good for yourself. I hope you have the time now. This woman is sucking the life out of you and you need time to yourself! Anyway, I hope your feeling better about things soon. You are a strong person, I believe that from just reading what your blog. Start tomorrow and get out walking, eat some healthy food. Fake it until you make it and then you will be feeling good again. Hope this helps a little.
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