Saturday, February 10, 2007

Thin

Just watched the documentary Thin on HBO. My husband sees these women as different from me, but he wasn't around during the bulimic years, during the insanely excessive exercise, the abuse of laxatives, diuretics, thyroid pills. Sometimes I think that an eating disorder of such extremes burns itself out over time. If you live long enough. I quit throwing up, for the most part, in 1987. I still remember the horror of the relentless weight gain thereafter. Twenty years later, it's still a temptation. I listened to two hours of misery and hope and anger and sadness and childishness and all I can feel is hopeless. I just don't know if it ever goes away. It transmutes. It is better, I guess, to struggle with weight and eating today than with bulimia of 20 years ago.

But I am really, really sick of it. I am just sick of having this shit in my head, of always thinking about it in one form or another, whether good or bad. It's always there on some level of consciousness. Always. What a waste. Eat this, don't eat that, what will the scale say, what does that mean for today, how do I feel about that, what will happen if I let go, can I start over ever, will I start again tomorrow if I give it up today, am I really an addict, is this all in my head. Most days I am grateful for freedom from the kind of insanity that afflicted me in my younger years, the kinds of things I saw in these women today, in Thin. I really am grateful most of the time, but right this minute I am angry and resentful and just flat pissed that it is still something I have to deal with every single fucking day of my life.

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9 Comments:

Blogger Maggie said...

Hi Belle:

I struggle with the same thoughts.

I liken it to my version of alcholism or drug addiction really, in that I will always have issues with food.

It sucks big time and it would be so wonderful just to be able to eat without worry or guilt, and without gaining, gaining, gaining.

Maggie

February 10, 2007 5:53 PM  
Blogger LSL said...

Thanks so much for posting this. I just don't think a person can understand fully unless they've been there. (I've been there.)

Thanks for continuing to be honest. You have balls of steel.

February 10, 2007 9:15 PM  
Blogger Ms. Place said...

I have not stood on the scale for over a month, afraid to take a peek. I keep telling myself "tomorrow," knowing that what I'll see is a weight gain of 3-5 lbs, when I should be losing it. My weight is always on my mind. What is wrong with us?

February 10, 2007 10:27 PM  
Blogger The Ex said...

Great blog!

February 11, 2007 1:58 AM  
Blogger Honi said...

Addiction of any nature can be difficult at best.. From compulsive over eating to anorexia... its all rough... but they have one thing in common.. its all about control as we know.. sometimes I think when things feel out of control in my life the only thing I can control is what I eat... when I eat healthy and lose weight.. I feel really proud and happy.. when I eat compulsively.. and eat and eat and eat until I am virtually sick... I feel so ashamed.. thats a lifestyle I chose...what has changed for me this time.. is that.. my life is on the auction block.. either I maintain control and treat my body in a better way or I will die. simple as that. I decided I dont want to kill myself... so instead of eating away anger, dissapointment.. happiness whatever.. I feel it... Sometimes I get real angry .. and I let it out.. be it by working out harder.. or going to the person and saying look what you did pissed me off etc.... Confronting what the real issues are is so hard.. but its so much better than abusing my body... it has taken me 44 years to realize that.. So if you can try not to be mad at yourself.. find what works for you .. and allow yourself to feel what you need to feel. Everyone has some something they deal with ..As we get older its all just part of life. Try not to turn that anger on yourself.. You have come a long way.. and that is the most important.. Have a great day

February 11, 2007 9:40 AM  
Blogger LSL said...

I love Honi's comment. I cut and pasted it in my e-mail so I could reread it again and again.

I don't see an e-mail link, so I wanted to mention here - thanks for the great comments on my blog. It sounds like we have a few things in common :)

February 11, 2007 10:43 AM  
Anonymous Lynn said...

I only kind of know how you feel--but I do think that it's eating issues and weight for you--but something else for the rest of us. I really don't think that anyone is truly free of their own inner demons. Keep writing.

February 12, 2007 9:10 AM  
Blogger jodi said...

amen to that, sister... i can't remember a time when i wasn't worried about something related to losing weight or exercising or what i was eating... and i have no idea what its like to just wake up and live my life w/out worrying what the scale is going to say... i know i shouldn't let this 'stuff' bother me but some days it really does and it sucks... thank you for saying it...

February 12, 2007 3:39 PM  
Blogger Red7Eric said...

Addiction is hard enough, but addiction to food is especially insidious, because it's not like you can go cold turkey.

I always do better when I'm eating well (not "dieting") and exercising because I know I'll feel better and because it's a healthy choice, and not because I'm worried about being too fat. I can't say for sure, but I'm almost certain that life for gay men is about on par with life for straight women on that score.

And none of it's any fun. Hang in there.

February 12, 2007 7:52 PM  

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