Saturday, March 17, 2007

validation

Caught a few minutes of HBO's new series Addiction (thanks Tater). Got a little goose-bumpy listening to one of the researchers liken the state of addiction to that of having no brakes on a vehicle. Goosebumpy because I have thought of my many addictions in those very terms for years now. I saw it in my youth with the dope, that others would stop while I continued hell for leather. It was the same with drinking, but worse. The researcher discussed the disconnect between the "go" part of the addict's brain and the "stop." That, too, is something I've felt without knowing the physiology behind it. No matter how desperately I want it to, my stop brain cannot win out over go. It is, as one drunk described it, torture.

In this most recent struggle with food, with my sugar addiction, I know absolutely that I am missing something others have, the stopping factor, the ability to quit when on a run. I don't know what "too rich" means, and being full means nothing when I have my drug in hand. I go until it's gone, just as I did with liquor, just as I did with drugs. Unchecked, I am a future Discovery Health episode of The 800 Pound Woman. That's what no brakes means for me. It really is no brakes. That being said, 11 pounds are gone since my last surrender. And the other blessing, the great joy of just giving up is that I feel peaceful and happy and clean. Getting the sweet, crystalline drug out of my system is such a relief. Yay. Getting closer to that -125 I loved so much last summer.

4 Comments:

Blogger evilganome said...

Good work! I used to have the bottomless pit problem, but for some reason I seem to be better able to listen to my body these days, and I know what full means. That said, 5 lbs. came to visit while I was sick and some of it is definitely cookies. But I am back on track and am going to try and turn some of this into muscle.

March 17, 2007 2:00 PM  
Blogger angelfish24 said...

I've never heard addiction described like that, that you have no brakes. Made me think about a few things.
I think I need to get rid of the sugar and some carbs too. They seem to trigger my bad eating. Way to go on getting off 11 pounds lately.

March 17, 2007 4:47 PM  
Blogger Debra said...

Congratulations, Lynette -- that's an impressive weight loss in so short a time. Clearly, your body has responded to the new abstinence. Very encouraging!

As for the description of what its like to be addicted (although I think compulsive, old therapist habit), perfect. When I have any contraband items at hand, I'm eating them until they're gone, then thinking seriously about getting more, sometimes do, and then go until that's gone, etc.

There's no stopping this process except that somehow I can stop if I don't pick up that forbidden element (sugar) at all.

March 17, 2007 5:14 PM  
Anonymous Tater said...

I missed the show, but will catch it on on demand. Hope it is as good as I was hoping for. Congratulations on the weight loss, and sugar abandonment. I have been off it for 37 days, as well as coffee. I am actually starting to like green tea, and high mountain oolong. I feel better than I have in years, and am on my way to losing twenty pounds. I want to rock a nice sexy swimsuit this summer, and give the old man something to be jealous about.

March 17, 2007 8:09 PM  

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