Wednesday, August 15, 2007

dallas. fort worth. pit of hell.

Though I lived in Houston for five years, I had forgotten what it was like to drive through Dallas. The traffic is hideous. Atrocious. Worse than any other city I've ever been in, though I've never been to LA. People stop and traffic backs up for miles ~ no reason. They're dreadful drivers and thus there are wrecks every 5-10 miles, backing up traffic forever. Twelve lanes, eight lanes, I don't think we hit an expressway with any less than eight and they were packed, all the time. I. Hate. Traffic. Plus, it's one of those places where each road has 2-4 names and the one on your map may or may not be the one on the exit sign. Maybe I'm spoiled, since I walk to work every day and don't have to fight it, but if I had to live where the traffic was that bad, I'd shoot myself. Or somebody else.

But aside from the traffic, there was the heat which, due to the insane number of cars, was made worse by horrible air. I ~ with my very own spoiled hands ~ loaded furniture into my pickup and a U-Haul trailer between 11 am and 3:30 pm yesterday. It was 105 degrees. I drank eight 20 oz. bottles of water and for six hours only peed out my forehead and down my back. Crimifuckinitly it was hot. And hard work. By the time we were done we had one space left into which fit our suitcases. Couldn't have fit in another stick of furniture.

Having loaded that mess, I am going to give my delivery guy, the one who has kept me from having to load my own stuff now for over three years, a raise. If I ever bitch about paying him $300 to bring a truck full of furniture again, I will slap my own self.

So I was a hot, spoiled, peeing-through-my-skin, wet in my clothes, dehydrated headache-having woman yesterday. Did I say it was hot??? And did I bitch about the traffic? On a happier note, we stayed in a great hotel, the manager let us swim at midnight after the auction, I ate the best ribs I've ever had in my entire life, bar none, and I won't tell you where I got them. It was, overall, a fine trip.

We rolled back into town like two hillbillies, with armoires towering over the cab of the truck, shrink-wrap billowing behind us, ropes dangling, trailer rattling and creaking along. I was gripping the wheel like a crazy woman after the four double shots of espresso it took to get us back home safely. I was half mad from listening to southeast Oklahoma / north Texas country and western (there is nothing else on the radio but country, gospel and Spanish language stations).

By the time we hit Stringtown, Oklahoma, home of one of our finer prisons, I said "fuck the furniture," and drove hell for leather for home. Fortunately, all is well and the stuff's gorgeous and I'm never going back unless I fly in and rent a truck there. Home again, home again, jiggity jig.

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Anonymous grrsteve said...

Sorry to hear about the Texas steambath. Not a great week so far, eh? Your trip sounds brutal and ugly, like a previously undiscovered circle of hell. Except for the midnight swim.

But WHAT FURNITURE WAS IT that caused you all this distress? Can we see pics, or at least get more details?

Decor-intrigued fags are decor-intrigued...

August 15, 2007 7:18 PM  
Blogger Ms. Place said...

Welcome home, dahling. I'm gonna steal this wonderful word from you - Crimifuckinitly. Just lovely.

August 15, 2007 7:54 PM  
Blogger Red7Eric said...

Welcome back.

Ha, ha -- you peed out of your forehead.

I know what you meant, obviously, but that's just fuckin' FUNNY.

August 15, 2007 8:46 PM  
Blogger Da Nator said...

Lordy. My brother lives between Dallas and Ft. Worth. I've been there to visit him once in the last ten years. I doubt I'll go back again.

But whadjaget whadjaget whadjaGIT?

August 15, 2007 10:27 PM  
Anonymous Brion. said...

Ahhhhh! There you are! Just when we were thinking you had been converted to Rupublicanism and decided to stay in the USofA, in Texas, no further thoughts of 'fleeing' to Canada!! Yeah! right! (expression used in well known NZ TV ad!! Thank You Tui Brewery!)

Anyway.....I can sympathise with you about loading a truck with furniture! I was once in an employment situation in the furniture factory I worked, where it was my responsibility to make sure a 40foot container was filled to capacity each Thursday afternoon ready for the transporter to take it too the nearest rail terminal, from where it was loaded onto a flatdeck, railed to the inter-island ferry and taken to our North Island main cities.
It's amazing how much you can fit in if you really try! (and HAVE TO)
Especially fun when in the summer here we have our own phoen wind, our Nor-Wester, which is the same as the Chinook in Canada or the Mistral in France/Northern Italy.
Yeh!!sweating from your exertions!

Glad you're back!!


August 15, 2007 11:21 PM  
Anonymous Michele said...

Yes yes pictures please ... especially of armoires ...

August 16, 2007 2:21 AM  
Blogger Doralong said...

That is indeed some ugly ass traffic around there, swore if I ever had to go back I'd just hire a driver and say to hell with it..

Next time honey, send the driver with the truck and you kids just fly in a meet him. One can't put a price tag on sanity after all.

Glad you're home safe and sound!

August 16, 2007 6:22 AM  
Blogger evilganome said...

This is what you get for going to Texas! Sorry, but I can't say enough bad things about that hateful place. Still, you got some kick-ass furniture out of the deal. Welcome back, toots.

August 16, 2007 9:01 AM  
Anonymous tater said...

Glad you made it back safe and sound, and now I have a mental picture of you peeing out your forehead. I don't think there is a "depends" for that, but a bandana might just work. Very glad to know that your little soldier is back on his four legs, safe and sound, thanks for the update. Oh and I tried to update my ilife on my mac last night? FUCKED UP MY ENTIRE FORMAT FOR THE BLOG! Now I have to go back to every single entry and reformat it. AAAAAHHHHHHHHRRRRRRGGGGG! Guess what I'll be doing for the mext week?

August 16, 2007 9:14 AM  
Blogger Angela said...

Thanks for a good morning laugh. After my morning of spilt coffee, dripping wet from the shower with no towel, dropping the damned iron on my foot and breaking a fingernail to the quick - I needed a good laugh! I love your blog.

A new friend,

Angela (Polson, MT) where I walk to work, too.

August 16, 2007 9:30 AM  
Blogger rodger said...

We really do need a weather exchange. What a miserable trip...but then...that's Texas! I'm sure it will take a day to decompress.

Now...I'm with all the

August 16, 2007 1:28 PM  
Blogger SubtleKnife said...

Tater, maybe not depends, but a panty-liner might work. A bandana-liner...

August 16, 2007 4:54 PM  
Anonymous TedBear said...

Hi Doll. I will call you in the morning. Today was shit.

Girl, you picked a horrible month to visit Dallas. August is our hottest month. It is also why everyone has a swimming pool.

Dallas Traffic is miserable. There are 12m people driving around. It isn't as bad as SFO or BOS or LA. LA is the worst.

Thank God I home office and take a taxi to the airport every week for business trips. I rarely have to drive in traffic. The Overeducated Redneck drives less than 10 miles to the office. He goes into the office very early. When he is on call, it takes ~10 minutes.

Oh, and weatherwise, you left just in time. After 100+ today again, we had wicked thunderstorms and sideways rain this evening. Your fab armoirs would have made fine rafts. Where did you get them, Phil Maia? Where did you stay? Next time you can stay with us.

August 16, 2007 10:49 PM  
Blogger David said...

But aside from that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the show?

August 17, 2007 9:59 AM  
Anonymous Mark H said...

NOW I DO WISH, Ms. L, we could visit so you could expressly let us pay you to TEACH us HOW to find these treasures. I hate NEW furniture, but have no clue in seeing old stuff what's a value. Out here, the old antique places seem overpriced. One of them just hauls stuff in from England and calls it antiques.

NOW ON YOUR TRIP....I was astounded too on my ONE trip to Dallas - Ft. Worth. I have recounted 100 times to friends, besides your most excellent hot-body-pee-forehead description of the weather, the traffic...etc., but my big memory was: I could NEVER tell on those freeways where I was in relation to downtown Dallas...had to wait until we came to a freeway overpass and look for the city center..."oh yeah, THERE it is." THE LAND IS FLAT. FOR a westerner, we become so used to seeing mountains, volcanoes, or "something" high, we have landmarks. THANKS for the horror story!!!!!!! BUT you got good stuff!

August 17, 2007 12:19 PM  

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