Thursday, June 26, 2008

letter to a friend

Rough times, yes? Not okay, everything feels so overwhelming I can hardly bear it. I'm starting my 3d day of abstaining from news. I've been "clean" mostly, but I still dip in for moments before I catch myself and get out. I sit down to manage some payments and end up looking at the headlines on the internet. And I tear myself away and try to focus, again, on this other stuff.

It's finally occurred to me that as a single individual, I am utterly powerless. It's the powerlessness of it that drives me mad. As I think I mentioned last week, it's like being in the back seat of an out-of-control vehicle rushing down a mountain road. Trapped. Unable to effect a positive outcome. It's a recipe for insanity.

For the moment, I'm trying to dredge up some memories of the happy, content, joyful person I used to be. I don't know where that woman went, but I know she's another casualty of the Bush administration. I have a mirror next to my desk in the warehouse office. Every now and then I'll catch a glimpse of my face as I turn around to grab some paper or the camera. Along with all of the grim and dreadful news that assaults us on a daily basis, I am developing a grim and tragic countenance which is, I expect, as it should be.

I can't stand to see that face, though, because it reminds me of how things once were. Not necessarily good, but not so wretched and hopeless. Or maybe I was just blind. My nephew's wife is from India and she has only been in the US for 5-6 years. She is a precious person and I love her. She is absolutely happy and filled with joy and it shows in her eyes and in her face. Even in repose, when she's not engaged in any way, her face has a gentle and kind look with a little upward tilt to her mouth to indicate she may break into smiles or laughter at any moment.

I remember when my eyes sparkled and my laughter was a constant companion because my life was so rich and deliciously complex and rewarding. And now it seems grim and I see anger in my eyes and my jaw is clenched half the time and I can't bear to hear the latest travesty, yet I seek it out.

I don't know what to do except to step back. I am not in any way suicidal, but I've had passing thoughts in the last several weeks of how I would end it all if things get to the point I expect they will: absolute chaos and anarchy and millions starving in the streets.

I can't bear those thoughts and so I look at real estate listings in Mexico and I envision living a simple life, just me and a little cottage and my books and a dog. I don't know that Mike is willing to live as simply as I am. I could live the rest of my life without a television, though I expect I'd need an internet connection. But waking up to a day where the biggest decision would be what to buy at market to cook for dinner? It sounds like heaven. I am so very, very tired of all of this, of this country and the shallowness of our culture and the runaway out of control government which every day does more damage to the majority, while somehow managing to win the approval of those same blind fools.

So that's where I am. Sounds like we're kind of in the same place. I was going to a MoveOn meeting tonight until Obama's latest sellout and since it looks like Bayh's going to be his running mate, and Bayh's just another conservative in a democrat suit, I'm not enthused at all about the process. There's no socialist running on the ticket in this wretched state, so I may not even vote for president. It won't matter here anyway and overall, it won't matter at all because they're one and the same, republicans and democrats, the party of corporate rule and I am sick of it. Sick of it.

I hope you can snag that job with the feds. Looks like that's the only security right now ~ something Roosevelt knew but these revisionist fuckheads haven't figured out. I just want out.

big hugs, lynette


Anonymous Anonymous said...

The simple life is nice. If this is all getting you down that much you should do it. I was in the Peace Corps and while 2 years was enough, it was wonderful to just live to live for awhile. I recommend a book called "Animal, Vegetable, Miracle" by Barbara Kingsolver. Perhaps you'll find some comforting wisdom in her words.

June 26, 2008 10:40 AM  
Blogger BigAssBelle said...

I read that book earlier this year, a wonderful piece of work.

June 26, 2008 11:15 AM  
Blogger Greg said...

Hey Lynette.

Mexico, eh? Okay, I'll get a place a short walk down the track from your cottage and we can trade books and vegetables.

Greg xx

June 26, 2008 11:20 AM  
Blogger BigAssBelle said...

You just come on, Greg. It's the parent obligation keeping me here . . . I love him with all my heart. When he's gone, I am too . . .

June 26, 2008 11:28 AM  
Blogger BigAssBelle said...

books and vegetables and iced tea and juleps on the terrace at dusk . . . it keeps me going.

June 26, 2008 11:29 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


You and I are so alike it's scary. My mother asks me why I watch CNN if it makes me so angry. I have no real answer to that. It's like some kind of sick addiction. I know it's shit but for some reason I need to hear it. If only, perhaps, for an inkling of real news that might slip in or the first bulletin of the next 9/11 that will surely complete our enslavement.

I had permanent residency paperwork completed for Canada and then my mother needed me. Like you, she is what is keeping me here - and my sons, one of which, I may have told you, is autistic. And the fact that it takes a shitload of money to emigrate now. Money I don't have.

Like you, I have wondered where I will end up. Probably in the front yard or the house squeezing off as many rounds and taking as many bastards as I can with me before the inevitable. I'm ready to die since, as every day goes by, I see less and less worth living for. As I mentioned before, if something serious goes wrong with my health, I'll have little choice, without insurance, than to take my own life to protect my son's college assets from seizure to pay medical bills. I'm done but I want him to complete university and get the hell out of here.

I bet Mexico is easier to get into than Canada (you wouldn't believe the hoops the Canadians make you jump through) although I always thought it was dangerous for Americans to be in many parts of Mexico although I have heard of many Americans now living there peacefully.

I guess there is a certain level of freedom when you no longer believe in anything at all. All you have left is yourself and what you know to be true - no more placing any trust or faith in the church or state or some guru.

I don't know what to tell you. From me, it would be rich to tell you don't let the bastards get you down. But they get me down too. I suppose if I hadn't had kids it would be easier. But they and what will eventually happen to them is my number one worry. I don't care about myself anymore - I have no more dreams except maybe to find a woman who understands me and believes as I do for companionship.

I truly hope you'll be ok. I hope we'll all be ok.

June 26, 2008 11:57 AM  
Blogger BigAssBelle said...

hey sweetie, i do know all about canada. mike's health wasn't good enough to allow us to go there.

i feel safer in mexico than i do here. i am afraid that by the time i'm able to go, they'll have made changes to disallow the huge numbers of US residents moving down there. and then the other fear is that their government is headed by another right wing bush-ass-sucking tool and who knows how that will pan out.

it's so hard not to give in to despair. you have children to focus on and i know they need you in their lives. i did not know about your autistic son, but that makes it doubly important that you stick around.

i hold out no hope for obama making things better. he's selling out with virtually every utterance. that leaves me feeling about as desperate as anything of late, even though i suspected early on.

i guess i am still susceptible to hope and promises. and that, sweet friend, makes me feel like such a fool.

June 26, 2008 12:39 PM  
Anonymous Jean said...

I was dismayed to read your post, you are the kind of people we need to stay and make us keep our eye on the prize.

But I understand completely. I got rid of the TV a few years back, don't miss it a bit. (well, maybe some of the BBC programming...) I mostly get my news on the Internet and from a round of great bloggers like you.

This latest crap by Obama has put me in mind of The Who's "Won't Get Fooled Again": Meet the new boss, same as the old boss...I fear for our country.

Sorry, I meant this to be encouraging :(

Thanks for your blogging.

June 27, 2008 3:12 AM  
Blogger Doralong said...

Lynette- While I won't tell you to not let the bastards get you down, I do know if good and decent people such as yourselves go down they have won.. And most days it seems as if they have I grant you, I just need that kernel of hope myself for the sake of my children, if nothing else.

I hope your Daddy is well dear, and just step back and turn it off. You don't have to bury your head in the sand by any means, but the continual assault needs to stop for the sake of your own sanity and the obviously many people that care for you.

June 27, 2008 10:48 AM  
Anonymous Blindman said...

Oh God Lynette, if you, insightful, strong, intelligent and engaged want to pack it in, YIKES! What are those of us who aren't really that smart or engaged supposed to do? I can't hold a candle to you in brains department, yet my smeller tells me something is rotten. I want to go on to the next thing, but I'm not strong or brave enough. Quiet life of desparation anyone?

June 29, 2008 8:59 AM  
Blogger ERV said...


Hi! Just found you through Okiedoke, and though Im from more of a sci-fi blogging universe than you, I hope this piece of advice cheers you up:

BigAssBelle-- When its down to just you verses a thousand zombies, things might look hopeless... but dont go down without a FIGHT.

June 30, 2008 8:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You might look into getting better antidepressants.

July 14, 2008 3:03 PM  

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