Thursday, February 21, 2013

widow

It will be five months next Tuesday since Mike's heart stopped. Some nights I can still feel the warmth of him as I lay that last hour with my head on his chest. I can hear the beat of his heart growing softer, slower, until it finally stopped. I still can't quite grasp that: here, not here, with me, gone. I haven't been able to write anything, though I have the urge some days. I am sad, grieving, but also finding myself again. The last two years were a hell beyond anything I'd ever experienced. A death is excruciating. In slow motion, it's beyond tolerance. Still, I'm here. Standing. Not writing, but here. Maybe soon. Life as I've known it for 20 years is becoming something else. Mike, Michael, my sweetheart, my only love. What now?

18 Comments:

Blogger LSL said...

Belle. I saw the title of this post in my reader and said, "No" out loud. My heart breaks in half for you - I am so, so deeply sorry. Christ. Being sad, grieving, not being able to grasp it - it sounds like you are exactly where you are supposed to be, as if that helps. I am so sorry for all of the pain. And I'm sending love as big as the moon to you. xoxo

February 21, 2013 2:18 AM  
Blogger Greg said...

I've revisited your blog from time to time and wondered what paused your wonderful flow of wise reminiscences. I worried that maybe your Father's condition was taking up all your attention, or that you'd decided to eschew the internet altogether in your Mexican idyll, but this...I'm SO sorry to read that Mike is gone. It sounds like a platitude, but I sincerely mean it when I say that I'm glad you found each other and were together so long right up to the end. I'm beginning to despair about finding my own Mike. As painful as it has been these past five months, you were blessed. Thank you for letting us know x

February 21, 2013 4:33 AM  
Blogger Debbi McNeer said...

Wrapping you in love. I am so, so sorry.

February 21, 2013 5:41 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My sincere condolences Lynette. I've admired your wonderful writing/viewpoint for a while now and hope you may feel more up to it in the future....not just for me, but for you.

Hug.

Mike in NYC (familiar with you via JMG)

February 21, 2013 7:58 AM  
Blogger BigAssBelle said...

It's so strange to throw words out into the ether and find comfort as a result. Thanks, all of you. I know that Mike and I were very, very lucky. Soulmates is overused, but that's probably because it is a perfect descriptive term. I know all will be well, and I'm feeling that most days. It's just so strange to wake up and know he's not with me anymore. Hugs, sweeties, and again, thank you. lynette

February 21, 2013 9:20 AM  
Blogger Marc Olson said...

Lynette. You know what is next. You said so in your last sentences. Mike will help you find the way. The love is still with you. Love.

P.S. I;m glad you are writing...and hope to read more.

February 21, 2013 9:56 AM  
Blogger Croft Randle said...

Everything changes over time. Mountains crumble into boulders, rivers change course, life goes on. Humans are so very resilient, we can survive anything. It hurts terribly for a time but life does go on. We will soon be reading more of your insightful posts. Be well!

February 21, 2013 10:21 AM  
Blogger Willym said...

Slowly slowly cara. It is a long road, it is a hard road. Perhaps it is the most difficult road of your life but you have the sound and the feel of that heart beating close to you no matter what.

If my arms could reach there they would hold you if only for a moment.

much love

Will

February 23, 2013 8:19 PM  
Anonymous Jim said...

How is this possible? I'm so, so sorry.

February 25, 2013 7:02 PM  
Blogger BigAssBelle said...

Thanks for the kind words, friends. I so much appreciate it. We had become so isolated the last 18 months or so that Mike was with me. It's been a blessing to reconnect with old friends. I have been showered with love and kindness, another of many blessings.

February 25, 2013 8:04 PM  
Blogger LzyMom said...

Wow. I am so sorry for your loss and that sounds so lame. I've lost people dear to me and the pain comes once the numbness leaves. I couldn't feel anything for about a year. So, though we've never met, I share your loss with you and wish you tenderness and peace as you live through this.

*hug*

Sonia

March 03, 2013 7:42 PM  
Blogger Guilie said...

Just found your blog via Susan McKinney's, an old comment you left there. As a new acquaintance (and a cybernetic one at that) it may seem phony of me to say I'm sorry for your loss. The sentiment is real, however. Your grief and pain come across so clearly in these brief sentences that I can't help but empathize. I'm so very sorry, Lynette, and I hope you're on the way to discovering, indeed, what now.

March 07, 2013 12:06 PM  
Anonymous ewe said...

So sad to hear you lost your one and only. Please keep writing. I know you know you loved mike with all your heart. I hope you know that as a reader i knew he was your number one too.

March 17, 2013 8:40 PM  
Anonymous You know who. said...

Though your paths have diverged, he will always be with you, and you with him. Love knows no bounds, and though heartbreaking at times, it is the thread that is eternal, and the truth you can rely on above all else. It has been a horrible few years, and yet here you stand. All is possible, all is well, and the burden for you both is lifting. Pain and sorrow are a testament to your ability to love; the most important character trait any of us posses. You are loved without condition, and always will be. Know that, and take comfort from it where you can. Mike will always be with you, as will your father, as will all of us whose lives you have touched with your grace, wisdom, and charm. Knowing you has improved my life and my outlook more than you can know, yet is important that you DO know. Take heart, in knowing that your care and compassion through the years for those around you, will and are all coming back to you now in your time of need. We hold you in our thoughts, prayers, and meditations. You are loved because you boldly dare to love with words, thought and action. All is well, and all is as it needs to be. Love always conquers time and distance. Always.

March 23, 2013 7:28 AM  
Blogger BigAssBelle said...

Thank you all for taking the time to leave a message. It means so much to me.

March 23, 2013 11:29 AM  
Blogger BigAssBelle said...

And for the record, I do know who ... thanks sweet man.

March 23, 2013 11:30 AM  
Anonymous Alinde said...

As a friend of mine once observed, when I was going though a very hard break-up, "Many people never experience real love at all, so…."

I sure hope you're doing better. Just remember--you are a better person having truly loved a partner.

March 23, 2013 3:24 PM  
Blogger Dennis said...

I check back, hoping to see something new from you. Sending you healing thoughts still. ODAAT you survive.

April 09, 2014 1:38 PM  

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